Stuff The System Won't Always Say

Like most potential foster/adoptive parents, Amanda and I were excited about being a refuge for parentless kids . My great grandmother Ford was a foster mom to 35+ children throughout her life, and my own mother did day care in our home growing up, so the thought of chaos within the house, naptimes around noon, and diaper-filled garbage bags piling up at the door was somewhat comforting to me. It was in my blood.

For the most part we did our research and developed many clear expectations so that we were not walking into a nightmare of na?ve proportions. Yet like most transitions we were still blindsided by few things.

Here are 3 things that the system and training sessions might not tell you about Fostering and Adoption.

1) I?m a monster (and so are you!)
Prior to our adoptive/foster care children coming into our home, most would have given me a pat on the back when watching my fathering techniques. I extended serious love, compassion, and thoroughly enjoyed my 2 boys. However, once new kids entered the equation with values I didn?t shape, culture that I did not cultivate, and a morality that I did not help make, it often became maddening.

The impatience and anger I find myself having because of my lack of control quickly points to my inadequacies not just as a father, but as a follower of Christ.

Jesus talks about His yoke being easy and His burden being light, yet with every new rule and mandate I declare it begins to feel like all I?m doing is trying to quickly mold and make a kid fit a profile they will potentially never fit, giving them heavy and hard expectations if they truly want to belong. Not only do I catch myself being a bad father, but also reflecting a bad Father (in heaven) as well. When new kids come, get ready to acquire a whole new set of parenting techniques and a whole new level of grace. It sucks to realize that you suck, but it sets us up beautifully for the brilliant sweeping grace of God.

2) I?m not the system?s priority
We realized quickly that the foster care system has a clear priority, and it is not you or your family. The system?s priority is placing foster children in a safe home that will best benefit them. This is very different than, placing the child in a safe home that is best for them and is equally beneficial for the family. (This isn?t mean to demean or discredit hard working case workers in an overwhelming system.) The reality is that these caseworkers cannot seriously study all existing family members prior to placement and place as much priority on you and your existing children as they do on the one they are trying to place. They have to be resiliently focused on the placement of the one, and as a father or mother of an already existing family, this is important information to know, especially when we think the system is the entity with all of the answers and necessary direction for us as we move through uncharted territory. No matter how good the system is and how caring your caseworker may be, your existing family is not their number one priority.

3) Your kids may be closer to the Kingdom than you think. (Learn from them)
As immature and impatient as I can get with our foster/adoptive children, I have been blown away by how flexible, how loving, understanding, and patient our 4 and 3 year old boys have been. As our adoptive children often become the focus of our family because of the extra care needed, and as ?Daddy dates? diminish, now dispersed among more children, my biological babies continue to show something supernatural. They show a love and patience for people, a simple, yet deep understanding of Justice, and a desire for self-sacrifice that often decreases as we grow older and more jaded. There is a spiritual capacity in a kid that is somewhat baffling. It is why the gospel of Mark says, ?unless you become like a child you will not inherit the kingdom.?

As you aim for clear expectations, hopefully you will add the above to your list. We will never have them all, but as we are blindsided by a new reality, know that the one whose plan has always been to adopt us into Hs family (Ephesians 1) has gone before you and is on your side.

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